Articles from Penelope Waller

The Body Still Counts!

by Penelope Waller | Sep 1, 2020 | 4D Essential Communication Skills, 4D Presentation Skills, 4D Virtual Impact

Saying it all, without saying a word… Have we forgotten part of our language skills in the online world?

“You say it best when you say nothing at all…”

(Boyzone, 1999).

It wasn’t easy, but I have indeed managed to start this month’s newsletter with a quote from Boyzone (bear with me readers!) Now whilst I am admittedly a fan of 90’s pop music- and even more so of the film Notting Hill where this song featured – there’s rhyme and reason for the reference. When we think about our communication, how we are going to prepare for a speech, presentation, interview or difficult conversation – we tend to focus on the words, content or the script. And yet we know that as human beings over HALF of what we ‘say’ is not what comes out of our mouths. It comes out of what we say with the rest of our bodies. And this is still true if we are practising social distancing or communicating in an online world. Even though perhaps we may have lost sight of the impact of our bodies in our new world of virtual communication. So, this month it’s time to get physical – and we don’t mean pulling on leggings and going to the gym (now that they are open!). Join us this month as we delve into the intriguing and often underestimated world of Body Language.

Animal Instincts

I speak for each and every one of you when I say you are highly developed, highly intelligent, sensitive, self-aware creatures (I would expect nothing less from our fabulous readers!). And yet… all of us- at our core- are animals.

As animals, we have some basic survival instincts -food, safety and continuation of our species. These instincts existed way before our modern language did and yet somehow, we managed to communicate with each other – and not only survive- but thrive. We had to be very good at not only at signalling our needs and fears but also reading them in others, even when no words were spoken. In our era of modern language and high-speed communication, we have sophisticated and subtle means and methods of communicating. And yet, the hardware of who we are as human beings remains unchanged.

In Paul MacLean’s 3 brain model, our reptilian brain was the first part of the brain to develop and is responsible for protection, safety and non-verbal communication. So, whether we like it or not (or are aware of it or not) we still use our non-verbal communication to provide a wealth of information. AND we are always being read and interpreted by others, based on the non-verbal cues we project. So, imagine the powerful impact we could make every day if we consciously communicated- not only with our words- but with all of our being.

“It took millions of years for man’s instincts to develop. It will take millions more for them to even vary. It is fashionable to talk about changing man. A communicator must be concerned with unchanging man, with his obsessive drive to survive, to be admired, to succeed, to love, to take care of his own.”

– William Bernbach (1911–1982), American advertising creative director

Posture

So, what about our posture? Well, it’s often something we only think about if we have to go to an osteopath or chiropractor due to back pain. However, an Ohio State University study (2015) showed that holding a slumped posture for 30-minutes could significantly increase stress levels, depression, and fear. On the other hand – maintaining an upright posture can result in greater confidence and lower stress levels. Bear this in mind particularly if you are now working remotely and are sitting for much of the day. Our health and mobility are important, and… let’s keep in mind that there is so much more to our posture and how it is serving us. Looking at a number of studies, evidence suggests that our posture matters more than company hierarchies in terms of making a person think and act more powerfully!

Why is this? Well going back to the caveman… a slumped posture – (head dropped and rounded shoulders) would have been a demonstration of “flight” (fear/submission) posturing and can have a very real neurological and psychological impact on our systems. So, next time you are in a meeting or virtual meeting, even if you are feeling nervous you may want to try this:

1. Sit forward on your chair or stand up and either way – with feet apart and firmly grounded on the floor

2. Shoulders back

3. Chin up/not too tucked in

You may be amazed not only by how you feel but by how you present yourself and ultimately by the words that come out of your mouth. As we say here at 4D, it all starts with the physical…

I recall going through some rather draining legal proceedings a few years back. As anyone who has experienced this will know, it can be intellectually overwhelming and emotionally draining. I recall those feelings and the sense of not having any control or power (a core human need). But one thing I could do was get a hold of was how I showed up: how I behaved and interacted physically. So, I made a conscious and deliberate decision to maintain a strong, grounded posture with shoulders back and head held high. It was incredible to notice how different I felt and also, how it changed the verbal language I used and the way other people responded to me. It was a game-changer.

“Isn’t it odd. We can only see our outsides, but nearly everything happens on the inside”

– Charlie Macksey

Proxemics

Proxemics explain how people treat the space between them and others. It’s a form of nonverbal communication and the distance of the proxemic can make situations either intimidating or acceptable. And what we find acceptable, varies from person-to-person, when it comes to our personal space.

As animals, we have a sense of what physical proxemic feels acceptable and what feels threatening. As you can imagine, smaller animals than us have an even greater sense of this hidden dimension – anyone who has a guinea pig or rabbit will know that it can be hard to catch a sight of them. Yesterday, I was at my sister’s house and I was determined to catch a glimpse of her new guinea pig – Manuel. So, I crept into the room his cage was in. He remained static until I came within 1 metre. and then – boom, he bolted. It was almost like I had tripped a tripwire that caused him to scurry at breakneck speed into his little guinea pig house! Animals’ bodies respond to their intuition and signal their levels of discomfort. I had entered his ‘intimate’ proxemic and all of his body told him to run. Sorry, Manuel!

As human beings we are no different and understanding how to use your space and reading others’ space is crucial for creating the right connections and leaving a good impression. Many of us feel this only too acutely at the moment with the emotional distance that can be created by the extended proxemic of social distancing. It has an impact! And whilst we need to be mindful of keeping our distance to keep our communicates safe, we would do well to recognise there is an impact on how we may make each other feel as well as look to compensate for the distance through other body language strategies.

The 4 Levels of Gesture

Research has demonstrated that in everyday interpersonal communication people spontaneously generate images via hand gestures to accompany their speech. In this way, they help to encode the speech into the listener’s memory by utilising two cognitive aspects: words and images.

The physical act of moving our arms and hands generates energy within our bodies. The higher the level of gestures we make the higher the level of energy we release. But there is also another hidden effect of gestures involving the brain. Psychologists Rizzolatti and Arbib (Language Within Our Grasp 1998) discovered that when we perform an activity, such as gesturing, we activate motor neurons in the brain. Curiously, similar neurons are also activated when we merely watch an activity. These are called mirror neurons.

When we watch someone moving, mirror neurons fire off in our brains and we not only witness a gesture but also experience and feel the gesture in our minds. Watching gestures- or any movement- literally creates an energetic reaction in the brain. This is why watching people dance or sing can be a contagious and emotional experience- and we may feel compelled to express ourselves too! This suggests that gesture can expand the effectiveness of our communication, by improving cognition, opening up different levels of meaning for the listener and also, by boosting energy levels (for both the speaker and the listener).

So how can you utilise the power of gestures: By using specific gestures to accompany your speech you can:

1. Appear more confident

2. Feel more confident

3. Enhance your communications

4. Raise not only your energy but also the energy levels of those who watch or interact with you

Increase the vocabulary available to you in the moment (research shows that restricting hand gestures makes it more difficult to find the right words.)
I often hear comments from people I work with that working remotely limits our ability to use our gestures and whilst there is some truth to that, we are still #always at choice. Push your computer screen back so that you give yourself a wide frame on screen from the chest up (or better still stand up) and get those arms on camera!

Eye contact

Eye contact may seem an obvious element of our physical language, but we can all too often be unaware of where our eyes may be focused and how we may be impacting others. Eye contact can demonstrate in an instance – respect, appreciation, interest, understanding confidence, engagement, making people feel connected and important. AND it can suggest fear, nervousness, disinterest to name just a few. Now that isn’t to say that removing eye contact is not sometimes useful. If you want someone to stop talking or if you have a consistent tricky ‘challenger’ in your audience – gently removing your eye contact after a few seconds is often a great way to change the dynamic.

“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said”

– Peter Drucker

Create your New Norm

We are responding cognitively all the time to the signals and signs our bodies give us. At the same time, we are also reading other peoples’ body language – perhaps even more than the words that come out of their mouths. And other people are doing the same to us. Over our lives, we have built up patterns of body language. But we can choose to change those behaviours that aren’t serving us anymore. Of course, when it comes to breaking patterns and creating new ones, practice makes perfect.

So – whether you have been consistently working in a face-to-face environment or are soon returning to an office or communal place of work – at 4D we want to encourage you to think about your body language. Trying our new or unfamiliar ideas (such as taking a stronger posture, smiling more than usual or using higher arm gestures) may feel strange at first, but over time, this new pattern of body language will become your new normal. A part of who you are and how you communicate. And…

…don’t imagine that if you are primarily interacting and communicating in a virtual environment that the ‘language’ you are speaking with your body doesn’t matter. On the contrary – it matters even more! Three top reasons to focus on your body language even when in virtual meetings are:

1. Because your mind-body loop will be affected by the physical position and gestures that you choose to do. Remember your body is constantly sending messages to your brain! So your impact even on the phone is affected by how you sit, stand and physically behave.

2. Quite simply, connectivity and communication ARE harder when we’re not face-to-face. So why not use ALL the tools at your disposal to really land your message, build great bonds, influence and communicate with impact.

3. If on a video call no one else has their camera switched on – stand out from the crowd. What a gift to leave an even stronger impression! TURN YOUR CAMERA ON!

What is your body language saying about you?

You can find out more and sign up for our newsletter through our website as well as check out the 4D articles, podcasts, videos and online training programmes. If you’d like us at 4DHB to help you engage your audience, get your messages across online and have some fun…do get in touch.

4D Human Being – helping leaders, teams and individuals consciously communicate with impact every day.

Relationships? Or “Communication-ships”

by Penelope Waller | Aug 10, 2020 | 4D Essential Communication Skills, 4D Leadership Development, 4D Mastering Challenging Conversations, 4D Team Creativity & Collaboration, 4D Virtual Impact

Communication is EVERYTHING!

Of course at 4D Human Being we pretty much believe this to be true and whilst (strictly speaking) there are other things in the world aside from communication (), we truly believe that communication is core to who we are and the experience of life that we are creating for ourselves and one another. So no small thing!

And yet, why is it that so often we don’t communicate, or feel that others fail to communicate with us? This can be because literally no communication occurs. And it can also refer to communication simply not landing in the way we/others intend – and so what takes place is ‘miscommunication’. We could write a book (actually a library) on why communication is important and the skills and tools we can use to be better communicators. But this August Newsletter will not be a book. Instead, we want to offer one focus to help us step in and communicate and to be better communicators. And that is…

…that communication is relational. So join us as we release the focus from ourselves as ‘individual communicators’. And we shift the arc of focus to the relationship – to the audience (or our partner!) to create a different experience of what communication really is.

Why is Communication Important

Any list of ‘top required soft skills in the workplace’ will certainly have communication skills at the top or very near the top. These skills are critical to our success and the success of our organisations – never more so than at the moment – whether collaborating across organisations during the pandemic to save lives or as is the case for many of us working hard to sustain business performance across teams and customer bases when working under challenging economic conditions and doing so virtually. And aside from the professional benefits of strong communication, let’s not forget that research suggests that in our personal relationships, it is effective communication that we struggle with the most and is the #1 reason for relationships breaking down (John Gottman Institute).

We can tell ourselves that the reason to be a great communicator is to effectively transfer information from one human being to another. And whilst this is true – and has been critical to the survival and development of our species, communication serves so much more. Communication enables us to create, build and nurture relationships with other people and to create shared meaning in our lives. And when that becomes the focus of why and how we communicate, well… we are entering a whole new ball game.

Why it Fails

There are many reasons why communication either doesn’t take place at all or it fails for some reason. One way to think about why this might be the case is to consider where is your focus of attention? Think about the last time you needed to have a difficult conversation or perhaps get up to present in public or even participate in an interview. It’s likely that any preoccupation prior to the ‘communication’ would have been focused on you. Will I do well? Will I say the wrong thing? Will I forget something?

Sound familiar…?

And if this is the case then several things may be happening, such as…
We may want to be ‘right’
We may be fearful of looking stupid or being criticized or attacked
We may choose language that focuses on our own needs/opinions
We may not listen
We may end up trying to avoid having the conversation
We may (consciously or unconsciously) be preparing counter-arguments for why the other person is wrong

And so the list goes on.

As a business owner occasionally I do have to step into some difficult conversations and back in the day when I was younger, and working in the corporate world, I sometimes would prepare a lot for such ‘encounters’. However looking back now, my ‘preparation’ was undoubtedly attempting to secure me in some of the above positions. Rather than focus on a true two-way communication.

Communication is Relational

Communication is so much more than words and information. It’s relational. Communication creates, builds and transforms our relationships with everyone from our family, friends, colleagues, boss, clients and anyone from the postman to the slightly grumpy neighbour!

So with this in mind, where is our ‘arc of focus’? Think of an arc stretching from you to the other person/audience and if THAT is where the focus is, we can transform how we communicate and how we feel about communication. And transform our relationships.

The arc of focus and The Big B

(Intellectual Dimension)

It takes effort (in all 4 dimension – physical, emotional, intellectual and intentional) to remove the focus from ourselves and truly focus on other people. As the novelist Zadie Smith recently pointed out on a podcast interview (The Adam Buxton Podcast ep.130) – when she met Tom Hanks, she thought what a kind and generous person he was and how he is so outward facing to everyone he meets. This is a generous thing to do and can have an enormous effect on other people. But as she also pointed out, it takes practice and it can look an exhausting thing to do for any length of time, especially if that focus of attention in communication is not reciprocated.

So, accepting we are not all perfect and selfless beings. And we are not even all Tom Hanks, what can we do? How can we shift our arc of focus to the ‘other’?

One thing to consider is to craft into your communication the benefit to the other person of what you are saying/offering. It sounds obvious but so often we can forget and we can communicate just from our own perspective – with an unconscious emphasis on what WE want. Build in the Big B (benefit) upfront and not only are people more likely to listen, but the communication is also much more likely to be relationship-focused.

Open-armed

(Physical dimension)

Our gestures say so much about where we are operating from and whilst gestures such as pointing fingers, folded arms, exasperated shrugs all perhaps have their place and… we can choose to use our physical gestures to engage relationally when speaking. Or even when being silent.

For example, open arms and open palms is a universal sign of ‘peace and openness’ and demonstrates empathy and a willingness to be open and that we are not hiding anything. This simple gesture can have an enormous impact on the neurochemistry of the person standing in front of us.

One of the most impactful examples of this that I find personally is when I manage to find myself in my more ‘conscious’ parenting state and respond to tantrums or anger from my kids with a simple open arm gesture. It doesn’t always work (and let’s be clear I don’t always find that it’s my first response!) but I am constantly surprised at how often it does work. It calms the situation and opens a new line of communication, where my child intuitively feels that I am open to hearing their viewpoint or underlying needs.

The Listening Vase

(Emotional Dimension)

Emotionally we can boost our empathy by listening rather than talking. Not only does this help people feel heard but as the listener you are more powerful than you perhaps think! Not only in terms of shaping the conversation and landing the communication – but with the added bonus of simultaneously focusing on and building the relationship. If you feel that communicating your message is all about you talking, think again. Think of someone else’s words as the liquid and you as the person listening is the vase. Depending on how you listen, facial expressions, body language, attitude, concentration, focus, you will be shifting the shape of the vase and how the message is finally formed. At the extreme of course – if you stop listening, the speaker will finally stop speaking!

The 2% Truth

(Intentional Dimension)

“I have one major rule: Everybody is right. More specifically, everybody — including me — has some important pieces of truth, and all of those pieces need to be honoured, cherished, and included in a more gracious, spacious, and compassionate embrace.” ― Ken Wilber
If we enter into conversation wanting to be right or to win it’s unlikely communication will truly take place or at least not land in a way that makes it effective. We each have our own truth and whilst we may not hold ourselves out to be perfect, flawless and always right, we do fundamentally have a viewpoint and a belief that is important to us. And of course… that is true of every other person on the planet. So… Intentionally, how can we hold both our own truth and also that of others? Without entering a battle or fully conceding? The answer is to understand that we are all partially right.

One way to practice this mindset is to enter a conversation knowing that whatever the other person says there will be at least a 2% truth in what they say… This small % means that we can hold our position/opinion as our own truth AND we can also allow space for the fact that the other person’s opinion or point of view even if vastly different to our own could at the very least hold a 2% truth even for ourselves.

Many of us may sometimes have conversations around the current pandemic and there are many differing opinions out there. I and many other people have for example travelled abroad recently for certain reasons (e.g. me – to collect my kids from their dad’s house in Italy). Yet some of us may question why people are travelling abroad at the moment especially when quick changes in quarantine measures could arise at any moment. My mind wants to leap to many defences of MY choice to travel abroad and yet taking a breath, perhaps I don’t need to justify my reasons. Perhaps I can be true both to the many thought-through reasons surrounding my decision, careful choices I had made, and how I had managed the trip cautiously – whilst also recognising that yes there is also a truth in mass movement not being ideal at the moment. Neither of us was fully right or wrong. There is truth everywhere not just somewhere.

The information you need to share (whether in a personal or professional relationship) is important to you and potentially important to others. And yet your communication does so much more than transfer information from one human being to another. You are creating a connection (Communication-ships!) between yourself and other human beings – in every moment. And if that is our focus every time we go to communicate, what might we change and… what might we create?

Creatively responding to a changing world….

by Penelope Waller | Mar 4, 2020 | 4D Energiser, 4D Leadership Development, 4D Team Creativity & Collaboration, 4D Team Performance

Fear! Risk! Loss! Collapse! Danger! Concern! Alert! Threat!

Just some of the headline words in the papers today. It’s true we are living in an ever-changing world, full of uncertainty – whether that’s extreme weather, travel disruption, changing regulations, environmental concerns or as we are experiencing at the moment particularly – global health concern. So perhaps it is unsurprising that these are the headlines that greet us. And yet what happens to us as human beings when we are pushed into a state of fear is most likely to be a ‘defend and secure’ pattern of behaviour. Going into lockdown to secure and protect what we already have – contraction rather than expansion. And we can start to see the effects of this on ourselves and how we feel, our jobs, organisations and the global economy at large.

But is there a different approach? Is there a way to expand into uncertainty for the benefit of our own growth, security and flourishing as well as for the companies we work with? If so, how can we tap into this? Well for us at 4D Human Being it’s about responding creatively. In our 4D2C (4 dimensions 2 context) model, the environment has a much bigger impact on us than perhaps we are aware and often we allow the world (environment) to ‘happen’ to us. But how can we HAPPEN to the world? How can we create something new, exciting and positive in the face of uncertain and changing world events?

There are many models to use to delve into our business creativity and I’m going to offer three of them:

1. Traditional SWOT analysis

Listing out your existing Strengths and Weaknesses, and looking to the future by brainstorming the Threats and importantly the Opportunities that the market conditions are presenting could present new business streams. Recent GDPR data protection regulations may have felt to many of us as a threat due to additional costs, potentially falling foul of the complex laws etc. However, GDPR regulations opened up a huge opportunity for data protection companies and IT consultants to support and grow their customer base.

Recent floods and climate change fit many of those headlines above and are indeed global threats. However they also represent incredible business opportunities in the field of ‘Climate Adaptation’ – from flood defence systems, to agricultural solutions, to solving wifi connectivity in extreme conditions, the list goes on.

So how can we identify opportunities when we may be stuck in current patterns of working or fearful of the threats?

People – make sure you have the right people in the room. Introduce new unexpected people into the brainstorm for a new perspective. Ask yourself “what would so-and-so say? Get a new perspective
Place – Change the environment – take your team somewhere new, maybe a partner site, or a rural location, or even a part of the building you haven’t ever been to. Change your location, change the dynamics, change the thoughts.
Plot the Strengths, Weaknesses and Threats on your SWOT analysis. How can you then build on the strengths or counter the weaknesses and threats to create something new and exciting?
Play a game – at 4D we use the wonderful world of improvisation and games to open up ideas, new ways of being and new ways of thinking. As human beings we love to play… So create a game around the business problem – you may be amazed at what your team come up with!

“Same thoughts always lead to the same choices, same choices lead to the same behaviour and the same behaviours lead to same experiences and the same experiences produce the same emotions and these emotions drive the very same thoughts.”

– Joe Dispenza

2. The Obstacle map

What is the problem you face? Where would you like to be? And what is the blocker or obstacle that is stopping you from getting there? Until we set this out in black and white, it can sometimes be challenging to even understand what the problem is – let alone respond creatively! So we find ourselves trying the same solutions or behaviours over and over again, frustrated that things don’t change. Isolate the obstacle and see how you can move through or around it.

4D Tool: Draw three columns and leap the obstacle!

I was speaking with a friend of mine recently who runs a restaurant business – which is likely to be hard hit by current global health concerns as people are going out less. He’s a great cook, runs a great business and loves delighting people with wonderful meals. He felt in a ‘holding pattern’ of waiting, whilst the business started to suffer. Clearly the economic impact of the current global situation may well evolve and change, however when he isolated the business ‘obstacle’ he was able to see that, for now at least, the obstacle was the willingness of the customers to physically locate themselves in a restaurant. So by brainstorming around the specific obstacle a new solution could be found – in this case the solution may be to take the food to them. Something my friend is excited to quickly explore….

3. The What How Why

Simon Sinek’s What How Why Golden Circle model so often helps pull us back to the real core of why we do what we do, which can be incredibly helpful in a crisis.

We can get lost in the What and How we do which can lead to less flexibility in the face of change. Here at 4D we have considered the impact of potentially less large gatherings and less international travel and reflected on the core of why we do what we do.

“Helping leaders, teams and individuals consciously communicate with impact every day”

– 4D Human Being

At 4D we have been working with global companies for many years delivering a wide range of coaching, training courses and seminars centred on impactful communication between human beings. What we are seeing right now is due to global events is an impact on WHAT we do – as we predominantly deliver workshops and seminars around the world. And of course for the time being we are seeing less travel and fewer large events as organisations and individuals take measures to protect themselves and the wider community from the spread of disease.

So, coming back to the WHY we do what we do…4D is about communication, impact, connection, leadership and growth – so starting from there, and with more people working from home we are well placed to help people learn, grow, connect and communicate with impact. It’s just about flexing the HOW. And the online and virtual space is arguably core to our WHY! We need strong connectivity, engaging communication and flexible leadership skills EVEN MORE as we migrate to virtual working.

So if you’d like to discuss high impact, engaging virtual training in communication skills, storytelling, team building, leadership or creativity – to ensure that your teams respond to the world with the best interpersonal tools and techniques – do get in touch with the team at 4D Human Being.

What’s the Story?

by Penelope Waller | Mar 3, 2020 | 4D Business Storytelling, 4D Essential Communication Skills, 4D Team Creativity & Collaboration, 4D Team Performance

Snakes kill 220 people in one day!

This headline is true. It’s just not one that appears in our papers every day. And to be clear, snake bites are in no way one of the biggest threats to life we face as human beings – heart disease, diabetes, suicide to name but a few of the larger threats. And yet I can imagine that if we saw this headline every day the fear of snakes would be top of mind. Because… it’s the stories that we are told that affect what we think, do and feel. It’s the stories we hear that shape our reality.

“The most powerful person in the world is the storyteller. The storyteller sets the vision, values and agenda of an entire generation that is to come”

– Steve Jobs

We are currently in the midst of a global health alert with the spread of the COVID-19 virus and we are all uncertain of course how this particular story will unfold. What’s clear from the media focus and breadth of coverage is that the story of the virus so far has penetrated deep into our lives.

Story is powerful. Story creates our reality. And like a virus, stories can sweep across the world taking on a life of their own. And if we think about this in terms of our own day to day lives, the impact of our teams and the performance of our organisation, we would be foolish not to focus on the stories we are telling.

Storytelling is one of the most impactful tools at your disposal. Human beings are fundamentally wired to absorb information, buy into new ideas and trust people – through story. Studies confirm that social storytelling is responsible for more than 65% of conversations had in public. Often we either unconsciously absorb stories being fed to us by others, or we create stories of ourselves and our organisations without giving it much thought. I recently spent some time with an old friend who wasn’t feeling very motivated in his job and he casually made a flippant remark that his department was where careers came to die. We chuckled, and yet when I reflected on that comment I realised that he was creating a self-fulfilling prophecy based on the story that was being told. He was killing his own career through story!

Storytelling in our highly connected, online world is critical every day, but especially at times when perhaps the stories out there are impacting our business performance or team motivation. At 4D Human Being, through dynamic, practical virtual and face to face workshops and seminars, we help leaders, teams and individuals consciously communicate with impact every day. Discover the art of really engaging your team, colleagues and customers with emotionally charged stories that make you and you truly memorable, motivate your team, inspire your customers and shape the reality of your organisation.

Have you ever wished you could hibernate through winter?

by Penelope Waller | Nov 27, 2019 | 4D Energiser, 4D Leadership Development, 4D Workplace WellBeing

Have you ever woken up on cold November morning and wished for an extra 5 more minutes in bed? Ever had a nagging feeling that for some reason you would be better off saying no to that invitation and instead find some dedicated ‘me-time’? Well, what about 5 more days of sleep or me-time? Weeks? Or even months? Imagine the rejuvenating benefits of an extended period of downtime like this.

Unfortunately, unlike 200+ species in the animal kingdom, humans can’t hibernate through the winter’s months. However, there’s still a lot we can learn from hibernation, as applying the key principles to our lives can help us to thrive and revive during the shortest, darkest and coldest days of the year. In this article we’re breaking the benefits of hibernation into two parts: 1. Health and wellness and 2. Relationship with self. Join us as we journey into a deep, state of rest, recovery and reflection – prioritising the most important relationship in our lives: the one we’re having with our self.

1. Health and Wellness

Rather than fighting the feelings that are telling you to stay in, why not succumb to your inner hibernator? The part of you that is telling you to sleep more, eat carbs and spend more time alone. Whilst we’re not suggesting you scratch off all of your Christmas plans and parties, we are encouraging you to take some time to cocoon this winter. Your body is sending you signals that reflect the seasons. Listening to these will help you to align with the natural world, bring harmony to your internal clock and will have you energised, revitalised and bouncing into Spring. Take a leaf out of nature’s book…it’s time to get wrapped up and cosy!

Sleep more

Hibernation is defined as an ‘inactive’ or ‘dormant’ state, two words which I’m sure many of us- unconsciously or otherwise- associate with being lazy and unproductive. One of the major blocks that stops many of us from enjoying a period of hibernation is our guilt around needing to be busy and productive. To let go and fully indulge in a quiet evening in, we first need to make this hibernation time a priority by redefining what success means. A successful evening could mean going to a spinning class, before heading to a networking party and meeting some potential new clients. However, a successful evening could also mean having a long bath, followed by a warming home-cooked meal and getting to bed by 9 pm.

Make sleep an integral part of your success story, because it’s an incredibly important part of a healthy, happy life. Matt Walker, sleep study expert and author of ‘Why We Sleep,’ says that losing just an hour of sleep stresses the cardiovascular system, causing some people with heart issues to tip over the edge. Speaking at TED in June 2019 Walker said: “there is a global experiment performed on 1.6 billion people across 70 countries twice a year, and it’s called daylight saving time. Now, in the spring, when we lose one hour of sleep, we see a subsequent 24-per cent increase in heart attacks that following day. In the autumn, when we gain an hour of sleep, we see a 21-per cent reduction in heart attack.” Take advantage of the shorter days and the darker evenings this winter by catching up on sleep. In fact, your body’s circadian rhythm is probably telling you to sleep more. This is because when the brain receives less light due to longer nights and reduced sunlight, it sends signals to the body to produce melatonin, the ‘sleep hormone’, which gets your body tired and ready for bed.

Soak up Sunlight

Changes in the seasons can also trigger lower moods or seasonal affective disorder known as Sad. Sad is a type of depression that shows up during the shorter, darker days of winter and affects around 6% of the UK population. However, Sad is a spectrum and can affect many more of us than the actual diagnosis statistics suggest. Individuals may suffer similar symptoms of Sad- like tiredness, hunger and low mood- without having full-blown depression. This is sometimes called ‘sub-syndromal Sad’ or the ‘winter blues.’

One of the best treatments for Sad and sub-syndromal Sad symptoms is sunlight. A Sad lamp (otherwise known as a happy lamp) can be hugely beneficial, particularly if you are finding yourself going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. Make sure you get a Sad-specific ultraviolet filtered light and enjoy the benefits of sunlight right from the comfort of your desk (or wherever you happen to be hibernating). Even better, take a short mid-day walk. Get outside and soak up the sun. You’ll be giving your brain a boost of the feel-good hormone serotonin. So, if the sun is shining, resist the urge to stay in bed ALL day, and take a short, happiness-boosting break from hibernation.

Get Cosy

Do you love curling up in a blanket with a warm mug of tea? Then you may already be practising the cosy, wellness trend hygge, that originated in Danish culture. At the heart of hygge is the essence of hibernation. One of our favourite definitions of hygge is: “a quality of cosiness and warmth that creates a feeling of contentment of wellbeing.” How can you bring more hygge to life? Simple- turn your home into a cosy, peaceful sanctuary. Think candles, blankets, baths, a log fire (if you have one) and a good book to curl up with. It’s a wonderful way of reframing the winter month and using them as an opportunity to slow down, relax and reconnect with what matters most to you. Of course, all the candles in the world can bring a sense of hygge into your life if you are still rushing around and not listening to the signals your body is giving you. To use the words of Meik Wiking, author of The Little Book of Hygge: The Danish Way to Live Well: “You cannot buy the right atmosphere or a sense of togetherness. You cannot hygge if you are in a hurry or stressed out, and the art of creating intimacy cannot be bought by anything but time, interest and engagement in the people around you.”

Not only does hygge encourage relaxation, it also focuses around taking pause: slowing down, turning inwards and taking track of where you are and where you want to go. Louisa Thomsen Brits, author of The Book of Hygge: The Danish Art of Living Well describes hygge as: “our awareness of the scale of our existence in contrast to the immensity of life. It is our sense of intimacy and encounter with each other and with the creaturely world around us. It is the presence of nature calling us back to the present moment, calling us home.”

A hibernation period is a great opportunity to take track of how far you’ve come, reconnect to your intentions and perhaps set new goals for the year ahead. If your life is anything like mine, it is fast, busy and before I know it another year’s gone by. So deliberately take a pause by prioritizing a winter’s break. Hibernate and create space for the most important relationship in your life: the one you’re having with yourself.

2. Relationship with Self

Regardless of whether our schedule is overwhelmed at the moment with work overload and social events or whether we are living through a quieter phase of life, many people struggle with alone time.

One study in Science discovered that people would rather do mundane activities (or even administer electric shocks to themselves!) than be left alone with their thoughts. Schedule in some alone time and watch as you and the people around you reap the benefits this holiday season. To quote the wonderful words of Oscar Wilde: “I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not defined by another person.”

Build an Emotional ‘Mancave’

Studies suggest that alone time is critical for emotional wellbeing. Dr. Sherrie Bourg Carter explains, “Constantly being ‘on’ doesn’t give your brain a chance to rest and replenish itself. Being by yourself with no distractions gives you the chance to clear your mind, focus, and think more clearly. It’s an opportunity to revitalize your mind and body at the same time.”

Building in regular pockets of alone time throughout your week can help you to disconnect with the noise, replenish your stores and then step back in the world with a clearer sense of what you want. Otherwise, if your day is constantly filled with other people’s voices, how on earth are you supposed to listen to your own internal voice! That’s why we’re suggesting you build yourself an emotional ‘mancave’ – or ‘womancave’! – because we can all benefit from spending more time alone. Maybe this looks like a 10-minute walk after dinner while your spouse clears up. Or perhaps it’s a more literal ‘cave’, a space in your house that enables you to quickly sink into your internal landscape and indulge in some well-deserved me-time.

Focus on your Self: it’s Selfless

Taking time out to focus on yourself can help you to have better relationships with others. In fact, as parents and leaders, we can only relate with others to the extent that we are able to relate to ourselves. So, any blind spots, self-limiting beliefs, or lack of self-awareness or lack of self-trust will also be reflected in how you relate to others. This is why it’s not selfish to prioritise alone time because those around you will benefit from a more present, connected and engaged ‘you’.

Writing for the Huffington Post Sheena Amin writes: “ remember the importance of being selfish is equivalent to the importance of being selfless in living a human life. The latter is not possible without the former. Much of our modern world is an existence that forces people to forget that they are human. We often live like parasites, taking all that is necessary from others for our own individual gain. It is when we begin to selfishly love ourselves and selflessly love others that we become in touch with our humanity.”

One 2017 study showed that we can actually build our capacity for empathy by spending time with oneself. Titled ‘Know thyself to understand others’ the study showed that when people develop a better inner awareness about their own mental states, they tend to have a better understanding of the mental state of others. Upon reviewing the findings one of the researchers concluded that: “There is a close link between getting better in understanding oneself and improvement in social intelligence.”

Practice Independence

Alain de Botton author of ‘The Course of Love’ (a book we’d highly recommend) says that: “One of the better guarantors of ending up in a good relationship: an advanced capacity to be alone.” Relationships- particularly long-term romantic relationships- can benefit from a healthy dose of alone time. It’s all too easy to get locked into certain roles in relationships and unconsciously become over-reliant on the other.

5 years ago, 4D team member Katie, encouraged her mum to volunteer abroad. Since then she’s volunteered solo in the Philippines, Thailand, Laos, Costa Rica and next year’s adventure…Columbia! The trips not only have offered her a huge sense of purpose, they have also strengthened her relationships. Katie says: “I remember before the first trip, my mum and dad were really nervous. There was so much planning and worrying about how they’d cope. But of course, they weren’t just fine, they thrived in the difference. And since then they’ve both stepped into new roles. My mums got so much better with technology and now writes a travel blog when she’s away and my Dad has become passionate about fishing and cooks a delicious pan-fried trout. 5 years on, as she prepares for her next trip, it feels so normal. It’s amazing how quickly we can adapt and how much we can learn from being alone.” So not only does distance- or alone time- make the heart grow fonder, it also makes us stronger.

Feed your Creativity

Sometimes brainstorming on your own may be a more effective way of generating ideas. Writing for Harvard Business Review, Andrew O’Connell writes: “In dealing with highly complex problems, brainstorming can have a stifling effect, dangerously limiting the number of proposals that get serious consideration. You’ve probably experienced this yourself: Your glimmer of an idea quickly fades as other group members talk about their ideas.” This is particularly true for people with qualities associated with being ‘an introvert’ or internal processers. These types of people may find that their creativity thrives when they are given time to think of their own.

So, when you’re next brainstorming with your team, it could be helpful to offer the group some time to individually think about ideas, before coming together. During an idea-generating session, the process of ‘hibernation’ can create space for more ideas to form and gives current ideas the chance to breathe.

Treat yourself to a ‘Me’ Retreat

Developmental Psychologist Donald Winnicott believed what motivates humans is the need and the desire “to find his or her own self […] Be able to exist and to feel real. Feeling is more than existing; it is finding a way to exist as oneself, and to relate to objects as oneself and to have a self into which to retreat for relaxation.”

Hibernation doesn’t necessarily have to be passive or inactive. It could involve a creative activity, like painting or playing the guitar. Nourishment comes in lots of forms and so your ‘me’ retreat could involve a return to some of those nourishing activities that help you to ‘find yourself.’ If you’re anything like me then you’ll have a pile of books you’ve never had the time to read. There is actually for this in Japanese: “Tsundoku’ which is acquiring reading materials but letting them pile up. I obviously bought these books with the intention of feeding my mind, but somehow never found the time to follow through. Hibernation gives us the opportunity to get to know ourselves better by returning to those creative pursuits we know will nourish us but haven’t been able to commit to. Yet.

Happy Hibernating (and ‘Tribe-enating!’)

As we near towards Christmas it can be all too easy to get lost in the diary of life, trying to see everyone and getting everything done in time. So before the real festive ‘busyness’ begins, why not schedule in a few nights of ‘hibernation’ time? Give yourself the gift of quality rest and time to reconnect with yourself. Solitude, silence and slowing down are at the heart of hibernation and are hugely beneficial to our health and happiness, and to our loves and learnings.

That said, hibernation doesn’t just have to be a solo activity. Not if you are choosing to spend time with those who nourish you most. So, as we ready ourselves for another holiday season, ask yourself which friends and family members make you feel great? Which people in your life help you to become the best version of yourself? Take time this Christmas to either Tribe-enate (spend time with those who nourish you the most) or hibernate (spend time alone). Let’s take advantage of the darker, shorter days, in order to rejuvenate as well as reconnect with ourselves.

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