Conscious Intentionality Archives

The 4 things you really need this Christmas…

by Philippa Waller | Dec 16, 2019 | 4D Energiser, 4D Workplace WellBeing

How many presents get unwrapped on Christmas day? That nobody wants and nobody needs?

According to one study, Americans waste on average $15.2 billion on unwanted presents each year. I remember one Christmas competing with friends over ‘who got the worst present.’ There were some absolute shockers, but the outright winner had to be the man that was given a second-hand painting of a Hungarian Hussar! People really do hand over some weird gifts! So, it got me thinking: how much stuff do we get at Christmas that we don’t even want? When actually, we could give someone something they really need to unwrap without even given them a present. The invisible gifts of security, connection, wholeness and autonomy. Can we fulfil our own- or someone else’s’- primal human needs this Christmas?

We see Christmas as a unique time of craziness, when it’s often a reflection of our everyday lives, just in an exaggerated festive state, with baubles on! The festive season is a great time to become conscious of our behaviours and patterns and gives us the opportunity to acknowledge and connect with our fundamental needs. If you notice people getting annoyed on Christmas day, get curious, and find out which of their needs isn’t being met…

1. Security

‘Tis the season for financial anxiety as according to the 2019 Bankrate Holiday Gifting Survey more than 6 out of 10 people told Bankrate they feel pressure to overspend on either presents, travel, social outings or charitable donations over the Christmas period. If you notice yourself- or a loved one- feeling stressed about money, get curious. Find out what the root cause of this stress might be. Because it may be that your sense of security is feeling threatened.

Abraham Maslow lists security as one of the basic human needs. And if we don’t feel secure, we can’t fully ascend to higher levels like love and self-actualisation (more of which later).

Many of us reach for external signs of security- money, good job, marriage- which means that our ability to ascend to the higher levels of Maslow’s hierarchy relies heavily on external factors. However, some of us aren’t given sufficient resources to satisfy these external security needs. And even if, right at this moment, we are satisfying those needs, many unknowable factors can threaten this ‘security blanket’- like redundancy and illness. So sometimes or even often getting our security needs met by chasing it externally isn’t actually our most secure option.

Some of the century’s most influential and surprising entrepreneurs do the opposite: they define security internally. They give themselves what psychologist Carl Rogers called an internal locus of control and don’t rely on external factors for their sense of security. Take Tony Robbins. He started his career washing his dishes in a bathtub because his apartment was so small it didn’t have a kitchen. He didn’t define security as needing X amount in the bank or having a certain size house or job title. He defined his security internally- and as a result, he was able to shift his attention towards a much more useful state for entrepreneurial pursuits: self-actualisation. His sense of security wasn’t reliant on unstable external factors; it was defined internally. And as a result, he ended up becoming one of the most successful life coaches on the planet.

Here are two ways you can shift towards an internally driven sense of security:

1. Self appreciate.

If your internal voice is critical and harsh – be aware and be kind to yourself.

2. Give yourself a heart hug…

…and stop asking your brain what you need. Ask your heart. Put your hand on your heart and create a loop back to yourself. Once you’ve created that loop, still with your hand on your heart, ask yourself what you should do. Not only will this regulate your breathing, it will also create a feedback loop to brain that ‘you are ok’ and as consequence will strengthen your internal locus of control.

Defining security internally is a healthier and more sustainable way of fulfilling this need because it’s not reliant on external factors. Money is, of course, an important resource but far more important is time. We can rebuild our finances. But we can’t buy back time. And if we spend the majority of our time chasing external factors, then we won’t have any time left for other more meaningful pursuits. Defining security externally creates an illusion of security and breeds a cycle of insecurity. Whereas defining security internally puts you back in the driver’s seat of your life.

So back to Christmas…maybe you can’t afford the most expensive gifts this year or maybe there’s a worry about what work you’ll get in 2020. All fair and valid concerns not to be disregarded but also, not necessarily needed to define your sense of security. Can you- like Tony Robbins- take the locus of control over your security and define it internally? And give yourself the gift of internal security this Christmas. Whilst it won’t make these problems go away it will enable you to satisfy your need for security and free you up to be much more connected and conscious with your loved ones over the festive period.

Also- think about how can you make somebody else feel safe and secure? Can you be clear about your plans for the day? Can you make somebody feel that you’ve got a part of the day planned and organised and in hand? Because that’s one of the most fundamental and most important gifts you can give anybody. What does your partner or loved one need to make them feel secure and safe with you?

2. Connection

I’m sure you’ve all heard a version of this story: a wife- who is hoping for a diamond bracelet- receives a vacuum cleaner, an iron or electronic scale for Christmas (yes- this one is surprisingly common!) One study showed that 37% of us have lied about liking a gift- with women ranking as the highest offenders with a shocking 45% versus 27% of men. If you find yourself hiding disappointment with an exaggerated smile this Christmas, then watch out for need no.2 not being met: are you feeling unloved or disconnected?

Connection is a fundamental human need. We are absolutely wired for connection. Yet, we’re not always good at meeting this need. In an article for ‘Forge Medium’, Brianna Wiest describes connection as: “the experience of oneness. It’s having shared experiences, relatable feelings, or similar ideas.” So, when your nearest and dearest buys you a rubbish (and perhaps insulting) gift, you may- understandably- find yourself feeling misunderstood and disconnected.

Thankfully, connection doesn’t just come in a fancy present with a bow on top. This- as with external signs of security- is a ‘show’ of connection. The real stuff is underneath. In the day-to-day moments that help to build a strong sense of tribe and trust. In order to maintain a healthy sense of connection, we must regularly ‘check-in’ with one another. Now we’re not talking about a once a year DMC (deep meaningful conversation), we’re referring to those everyday moments where you are present with your partner, friend or kids. When you see them where they are and find out how they’re doing and how they’re feeling. Right now. To quote Brene Brown: “A deep sense of love and belonging is an irresistible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”

For example, if you know your partner struggles with some of your family’s nosey questions, a simple squeeze of the hand might be all it takes to reaffirm the connection between the two of you. A squeeze that says “I see you. I know how you’re feeling. We’ll get through this together.” The beauty of this is in its simplicity: it doesn’t involve buying an extravagant gift, writing a poem or going away on holiday. Your presence with your loved ones is what reaffirms the bonds of connection. So why not give the gift of connection this Christmas to your loved ones? It could be the simplest yet most substantial gift they get this year.

3. Wholeness

Do you return home at Christmas only to find yourself regressing into an outdated version of yourself? Perhaps you’ve made some radical changes over the past year and are feeling quite different in yourself, yet as soon as you walk through the front door of your childhood home…bam…you’re back to square one. If this sounds familiar, then you may be needing more of the 3rd primal human need we’re discussing today: wholeness. To quote Carl Jung: “Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.” Ask yourself if there are parts of your ‘self’ that are wanting to surface, yet you don’t feel you can share because it feels out of line with ‘who you are’ within your family unit?

Say for example you’ve taken up stand-up comedy over the past year yet until this point you’ve occupied a more quiet, reserved role in the family. Can you bring a part of this ‘new you’ to the table and perhaps open up a space for others to share too? Perhaps your Mum has been focusing on being more than just ‘mum’ since all her kids flew the nest and has been busy involving herself with new hobbies and volunteer work. Can you encourage a more inclusive and open atmosphere this Christmas, so that people can bring more of themselves- and not just the role assigned to them within the family system- to the table?

Wholeness isn’t simply about showcasing the highlights in your life (like you might on your Instagram feed!) It’s about embracing all parts of your ‘self’ and the highs and the lows that are a part of being a human being. Maybe someone in your family is grieving the loss of a loved one this Christmas? Or perhaps a friend has recently lost their job? Can you be present with their pain and allow them to bring some of their whole self- as they are right now- to the party. Show them that they don’t have to wear a massive fake smile across their face to feel accepted and welcome around you. As Reboot Co-founder Dan Putt writes in his article ‘Wholeness, not Happiness’: “Happiness is just one part of our existence, wholeness is to embrace all that is within us. It’s to embrace our shadow qualities, to embrace our self-doubt, fear, anxiety, as well as the brightness, joy, and curiosity. It is all welcome. To welcome and embrace our wholeness, is to welcome and embrace all that makes us human. It is to allow our employees, and ourselves the full human experience. It is to allow ourselves to be human at work.” So, this Christmas let’s host with an attitude of wholeness as opposed to one that pushes happiness.

4. Autonomy

The final thing we all need this Christmas is autonomy. Which may seem contradictory to primal need no. 2: connection. However, what we’re looking for is a balance between interdependence and autonomy. And the latter is far too often overlooked and disregarded, particularly when it comes to Christmas parties and family get-togethers.

You may be familiar with the power struggles that happen between parents and children or siblings, due to invisible hierarchies that might be in place. For example, the person who is ‘hosting’ may take it upon themselves to take charge of the event. Whilst this may be coming from a sincere place of kindness and generosity, it may be stopping others from having an opinion about the menu or helping cook a dish. And guess what…people like to feel useful!!! So you don’t need to slave away in the kitchen by yourself. Get your kids involved in some way (however young or old), give them responsibility for a task and refrain from ‘back seat driving’ while they are doing it (otherwise you may give off the impression that you could have done it better and faster yourself.) And even if that’s true, what’s happening here is much bigger than the task at hand because you’ve gifted someone with autonomous action. You’ve given them a sense of importance and purpose at the event. So, it doesn’t matter if the potatoes aren’t cut exactly the way you like them, because the people at your party are what matter. Not the potatoes. And by delegating responsibility you’ll not only take some of the stress off your shoulders, you’ll also be giving others a sense of ownership and autonomy.

A study on the importance of psychological autonomy in children concluded that “the preparation for a life in a competitive world of other individual self-contained agencies is primed through individual psychological autonomy with an early emphasis on subjective wishes, intentions and preferences.” Autonomy is not a millennial luxury: it’s a fundamental need and if it’s not being met for you this Christmas then it will be affecting your ability to access other parts of yourself like your creativity, conscious intention and personal growth. Wayne Dyer talks about the power of ‘non-interference’ in parenting. In this article, titled ‘The Enlightened Parent’ Dyer asks: “do you want your children to behave only when you’re around, or do you want them to have the self-discipline to conduct themselves wisely whether you’re there or not? I’ve always believed that parents are not for leaning upon, but rather exist to make leaning unnecessary”.

If you find yourself in the opposite role as per the scenario above, whereby you are the guest to an over-attentive host, then see if you can come up with a creative way to give yourself more autonomy. If the host is insistent on controlling every detail in the kitchen then maybe you can keep the kids entertained so they don’t get in the way. Or perhaps you can take charge of setting up a game and explaining the rules to everyone. There will be many ways you can insert yourself into the day without stepping on someone’s shoes. To quote author and speaker Daniel Pink (who appeared on the 4D podcast back in May): “Autonomy is different from independence. It means acting with choice.”

Give someone something they really need this Christmas!

This Christmas, as you are sitting around opening gifts, think about the invisible gifts you can give to a family member, friend or colleague. It might not be something they’ve asked for but it’s definitely something they need. Because they are needs we ALL need! We all want to feel safe, connected, whole and purposeful and we need these needs satisfied in order to access our higher levels of self, like empathy, creativity, conscious intention even to be able to play and be spontaneous. Give yourself- and others- the gift of security, connection, wholeness and autonomy this Christmas and you’ll quickly forget about any rather pointless, weird or disappointing gifts. These gifts are greater than the external signs of Christmas and are the ones that will really make a difference this Christmas and throughout the New Year.

Wishing you all a conscious and connected Christmas and an intentional New Year. Lots of love Philippa and the 4D Team x

Taking back your personal power!

by Stephanie Kasen | Jul 30, 2019 | 4D Confidence & Impact Training, 4D Essential Communication Skills, 4D Mastering Challenging Conversations

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

– Marianne Williamson.

This article is all about helping you to take back your power by living in a more conscious, connected and creative way. By using our 4A’s method- awareness, acceptance, accountability, action- we help you to start to become aware of feelings of disempowerment; recognise language and actions that imply that you might be stepping into a victim role; take charge of your reactions; and consciously respond to situations in a way that best serves you. We don’t exaggerate when we say it can completely transform your experience of life. There are many things in life we can’t control: notably other people’s responses and behaviours. So, let’s start taking charge of what we can control: our response to the world. Take back your personal power and start playing the game of life…. your way.

Let’s imagine you just broke the record for highest sales targets in a year. Not only that, you’ve made more money in a month than the entire team made last year. Your boss calls you into his office. You presume it’s got something to do with a promotion or pay rise so you smile to yourself as you enter the room. As you sit down, your boss briefly congratulates you on your incredible sales results. He then segues on to your pay package going forward. Your base rate will stay the same and your commission will be cut by half. “What? … I made more money in a month than our sector made in a year?” “Yes” your boss replies, “and you’re also taking home more money than anyone else on the team. The commission structure is simply not serving the needs of the company.” You feel like you’ve been punched in the gut. In spite of all of your hard work and success you’re going to be the one that loses out. And you feel completely powerless in the situation. Or are you…?

This is a true example that comes from a long-term coaching client, who we’ll call ‘Sally’ for the purposes of this article. Upon leaving the office Sally felt completely powerless to change her situation. As we like to say at 4D, it felt like the world was “happening” to her.

Think of a situation in your own life, work or personal, in which you feel like you are a victim of someone or something. Join us as we walk through the 4A’s for taking back your personal power, so that you can “happen” to the world, in whatever situation the world throws at you.

1. Awareness

“I also came to realise that if people could make me angry they could control me. Why should I give someone else such power over my life?”

– Ben Carson.

For the first few days Sally spiralled through many emotions varying from anger to grief, ruminating over unhelpful thoughts that caused her distress. This emotional rollercoaster and feeling of “stuckness” left her feeing exhausted and sick. Becoming curious about your responses during challenging situations can help you to reduce suffering, sickness and stress. In Buddhism this is called the ‘second arrow’. The first arrow that hits you is the situation outside of yourself and is something that often you can’t control. The second arrow that follows is the turmoil you create for yourself, and is a direct result of your response to the situation. Take Sally’s situation for example: the first arrow comes when she realises her hard work is being rewarded with a pay cut. The second arrow- the suffering- comes when she tortures herself by asking “why me?” and staying stuck in a loop of “it’s not fair.” It’s so tempting and human to respond like this, however it also prevents us from moving forward.

We’d encourage you to give yourself time to feel and be with the pain and disappointment of the first arrow as grieving and feeling the feels is part of the process. At the same time, stay curious to the second arrow ‘stories’ of suffering that you might be adding on top of the situation.

Think back to the situation you picked for yourself. What stories are you telling yourself about what happened, how you were treated and what it says about you? These automatic thoughts give us insight into our default modes of operating. If we become more conscious of these default responses, by getting curious about our own experience, we can start to see how these patterns show up in our lives. Becoming aware of these deeply ingrained patterns gives us the power to shift away from second arrow behaviour, and enables us to re-shape them into a different, more constructive response.

Here are 2 ways of becoming more aware of unconscious stories and thought patterns:

1. Journaling

Journal what’s going on in the mind. Journaling is an excellent outlet for processing emotions and helps to increase self-awareness. University of Texas psychologist James Pennebaker believes that writing about stressful events helps you come to terms with them, acting as a stress management tool, thus reducing the impact of these stressors on your physical health. His research also suggests that regular journaling strengthens immune cells, called T-lymphocytes. If journaling doesn’t appeal why not dictate into your phone when on a walk or do a mind map on a flip-chart. There are loads of ways of doing this, so get creative! One way could be to divide a piece of paper into six sections… Life, love, money, work, family and hobbies or passions and journal or draw in each box.

2. Automatic Writing

Access your unconscious thoughts by allowing your pen to lead the way. The rules are as follows: pick a topic, set a timer for one minute and then keep your pen moving across the page (or your hands typing) until the time runs out. Try to write as quickly as possible! To quote Deborah Frances-White, author of The Guilty Feminist: “This method is a great way to establish your fears and low self-esteem points […] The scary thing about using this approach is that it may uncover your secret fears and insecurities. But while they stay hidden, you can never really confront them.” This exercise will make you aware of the automatic thoughts that are controlling you, and only then will you be able to take conscious control and focus on shifting them.

2. Acceptance

“Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; It means understanding something is what it is, and that there’s got to be a way through it.”

– Michael J Fox

An important step in taking back your power is accepting what you can’t change. An expression that really resonates for us is “Resistance to what is, is the cause of all of our suffering.” Initially, Sally felt powerless to change her situation. She couldn’t force her boss to change his decision (legally or otherwise) because of several factors including the fact that it was his company and she’d been hired as an independent contractor. If she could go back in time she’d be sure to get the proper paperwork in place, as opposed to relying on word-of-mouth agreements and good old-fashioned ‘trust.’ But she couldn’t go back in time and she couldn’t move forward if she didn’t accept what is. Railing against the unfairness of the decision, keeps Sally stuck in her role of victim.

In your situation, is there some reality that you are pushing against that it’s time to accept? Consider the concept of radical acceptance, defined as “completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and with your mind.” This idea of accepting an unchangeable reality, brings to mind the Serenity prayer: “God grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” What can you accept in your situation that helps move you forward in your journey from victim to creator?

3. Accountability

Accountability adds momentum and drive to stages 1 and 2. This third step keeps us moving forward and enables us to keep learning and developing as human beings. We do this through curiosity and inquiry, in order to challenge limiting beliefs and unhelpful stories. A key question to ask yourself when you reach this stage is: What is my responsibility in bringing this situation to life? Stay self-reflective and curious about your own experience. What can you take from this experience that may help you in the future?

When Sally took ownership of her own mistakes, she was able let go, learn from and build on the situation. After reflecting on the situation, she was able to recognise the value in being upfront and clear around issues involving money. As opposed to continually blaming herself about the issue, she accepted ‘what is’, held herself accountable and built on the situation by creating new behaviours. The key difference between self-blame and accountability is that the former keeps you fixed, and the latter invites forward movement.

Next time you catch yourself in what Mark Manson, author of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***”, describes as a ‘thought tornado” try to notice when you use words like “ever” “always” “never”. In Sally’s case this might look like “I never get what I deserve” or “No matter what I do, I always end up the loser.” These words are often signs that we are in a cycle of self-blame. Once you become aware of this negative self-talk, you can start to challenge these thoughts. One way of doing this is by using Byron Katie’s 4 questions: 1. Is it true? 2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? 3. What happens when you believe that thought? 4. (And our favourite!) Who would you be without that thought? Katie encourages students to view this work as “a meditation practice. It’s like diving into yourself. Contemplate the questions, one at a time. Drop down into the depths of yourself, listen, and wait. The answer will meet your question.”

Victim status can be seductive and keeps us from taking responsibility for our own blocks. Often a victim story garners support and care-taking from others. Taking accountability for your part in bringing the situation to life, moves you away from victim status. “This unfairly happened to me, caused me a lot of pain and I’m powerless over it” becomes “what can I learn from this, how can I grow from this, and what can I do going forward to create a situation that better meets my needs.”

4. Action

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.”

– George Bernard Shaw

What are you going to do? What are your action steps and when are you going to do them by? It doesn’t matter if these are tiny changes or big transformations: this step is about becoming the creator of your own life. However big or small the step forward, letting go of your focus on someone else and focusing on yourself and your own path forward promotes a sense of well-being.

Sally now describes the event as “the making of her” and considers it an unexpected silver lining. By using the 4A’s Sally was able to create a better situation for herself at work by taking responsibility for her part and convincing her boss going forward to put her compensation plan in writing. Interestingly, over time, Sally took even more control of her life and ultimately left that position to start her own business. We are pleased to say she is thriving!

Often when things don’t go our way, it can be an opportunity to make important changes in our lives. We’ve all had that experience in which we realise we never would have become the person we are if the event that seemed so painful at the time hadn’t happened. In your situation, what action steps can you take now that will start you on the path of becoming the creator of your life?

At 4D we’re passionate about firing up the intentional dimension, what we call the 4th dimension. In our 4D model, which is the underpinning of all of our work at 4D, we talk about human beings as often operating in 3 dimensions, our physical dimension, emotional dimension and intellectual dimension. When the 4th dimension comes online, we start to ask “is this actually my intention,” “Is this the impact I want to have” “what do I really want to do?” You start to make choices that drive your 3 dimensions as opposed to your 3 dimensions driving you. After the meeting with her boss, Sally’s three-dimensional autopilot reaction was feeling physically anxious, emotionally angry and disappointed, and thinking that she was a victim who had been treated unfairly and had no power to change it. The 4A’s process we’ve offered you, brings your 4th dimension, that intentional dimension, online so that you can take control back around how you respond to life events. It’s the difference between the world happening to you and you happening to the world. We often use a quote attributed to Viktor Frankl, a Psychiatrist who lived through the Holocaust: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

The Freedom to Choose

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

– Buddha

Next time you feel powerless, stop for a moment and take yourself through the 4A’s of taking back personal power: 1. Become aware of the stories playing out. 2. Ask yourself, is there a reality here I must accept in order to integrate and transcend? 3. Hold yourself accountable for your part in bringing the situation to life. Be conscious of the stories and language you’ve been using so that you can move from victim to creator. 4. Finally, ask what’s possible? What can I do to help the situation? Create an action point for taking back your personal power in any situation. What is in your control? And how can you change it? The choice is yours.