Conscious Conversation Archives

Tips for banishing the burnt out bluff

by 4dhumanAdmin | Nov 8, 2021 | 4D Energiser, 4D Leadership Development, 4D Workplace WellBeing

Are you exhausted? Stressed? Burnt out? Beyond your capacity or just not coping?

Do you know friends and colleagues who would also say yes to these questions?

You’ve reached the end of your tether. We can all do it! We’ve all had those moments where our capacity bowl is so full that one bad bit of customer service, one smashed glass, one frustrating phone call with the electricity company or one set of unexpected roadworks can totally tip us over the edge. Until we are quite literally crying over spilt milk. I’m right with you… and it’s okay – we’re all human.

It’s one thing to recognise the symptoms of burnout or stress and to take time out to look after yourself. More and more we are seeing individuals and leaders who ignore or don’t recognise the stress signs and double down on their levels of overwhelm by putting on a public mask and working hard to make it seem they are coping fine. What we are calling the second pandemic – “the Pandemic of Pretence”. This pandemic is affecting those people and leaders who are ‘coping’ by putting on the jolly front, the positive facade, the happy face, who are feeling the necessity to act strong, motivate others, be the leader they feel they should be and push away or hide some of those very real feelings underneath.

The problem is that by putting on a front, we are actually doing ourselves far more harm than if we simply acknowledged that we are not entirely coping. The bigger the gap between how we feel we should show up in the world and how we are really feeling, the bigger our chances of even worse emotional burnout, mental fatigue and physical illness.

Not only that but in terms of your leadership skills, your performance and your creativity, you are far better off being in touch with what’s really going on for you than pretending. Pretence is neither a top performing, truly collaborative or highly creative space to be in. We are far more healthy, creative, connected and successful when we are in touch with our true selves and true talents. In other words, the real leader is the better leader.

So, if you know that you are putting on a front and inside you have a stressful or negative narrative that is a long way from that façade, then you might be contaiged by the pandemic of pretence. If you are only letting the world see your ‘turned out half or shopfront ‘ as psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott called it – then you are denying to others and to yourself what’s really going on and it might just be time to ‘get real!’ The more you close the gap between how you think you should be in the world and how you really feel the better you are serving yourself and others. So, let’s get real with some super practical tips on how to not only deal with burnout but deal with burnout bluff. Let’s say goodbye to the pandemic of pretence and get down with how we really feel – let’s get real.

Here are six tips to help you close that gap, reduce the pretence, get in touch with what’s really going on, be an even better colleague and turn up – not as a pretend leader – but as a truly Real Leader…in all 4 dimensions, all 2 contexts. The 4D2C of peak WellBeing, Leadership and Performance.

1. Physical Dimension

Slouch it! Tip one is change your posture.

Change your posture from stiff, upright and in fix, solve and ‘be brilliant’ mode to a posture that connects you more with your body and your self. Try moving from ‘solve it’ to ‘slouch it’. Lean over to your side, curl one foot under you and sit like you might sit chatting to a friend in the pub or on the sofa with a family member. Let your body tell you that you are relaxed, safe and simply connecting with your colleague or team member rather than bracing, fixing or solving all the time.

2. Emotional dimension

Open it! Take 20 seconds before your next meeting to check-in with the feeling in your belly.

Stop trying to push it away or hide from it but imagine it is a message that needs opening up and reading. Ask the challenging feeling in your belly or chest… What are you trying to tell me? What do you want right now? What are you telling me I need? The more we push our emotions away the more harm we are doing to ourselves. Emotions aren’t the problem, ignoring them is. Your emotions are simply messengers that are trying to tell you something. Is your feeling anger, sadness, frustration, or fear? If you grab that emotion and open it up – what’s the message inside? Do you need a break, do you need to call a friend, do you need some help? What’s the message inside the emotion? This is a brilliant tool for breaking the pandemic of pretence, helping you close the gap between who you think you should be and how you’re really feeling.

3. Intellectual dimension

Refocus it!

We are really good when we are stressed and burnt out at gathering further evidence that things are difficult or going to go badly. We can start worrying and our intellectual dimension goes into overdrive with overthinking. Retrain your intellect to focus on safety cues… What is working well, who is helping you, who does have your back, what is fun about this project, what are the possibilities? When you shift from looking for danger cues to seeking out safety cues you’re changing your internal chemistry and closing the gap between your negative fear and your positive pretence.

4. Intentional dimension

Shift it!

So much of our education teaches us to fix and solve, to know and to be right. When we go into conversations with colleagues or burnt-out team members, trying to fix everything is just more stressful for them – and for you. Try going into these conversations and meetings with ‘curiosity.’ Set your intention to be curious and suddenly you take the pressure off yourself to know, to be right or to fix things. All you have to do is be open and explore and be curious. Curiosity is one of the best intentions we can hold to get our nervous systems in a really good place. Now we don’t have to pretend to be positive and know everything. We can sit in the far less stressful state of simple curiosity.

Context 1: The Environment

Move it! If your office desk has become a location of stress, then change your environment.

Try taking the next meeting on a walk or in your armchair or on your sofa. Use your environment to signal to your body that you are in a relaxed, calm and safe state. Our environment has a huge impact on our state. Your physical state is the foundation of your WellBeing, Leadership and Performance. Take your next call in a different place where you feel different. Where the Netflix watching, popcorn eating, laughing, joking version of yourself can chill out and be relaxed in conversation with colleagues!

Context 2: Relationships

Slow it!

What we mean by this is take 10 seconds before your next meeting to slow your physiology down. The more we run at a crazy rate the more our nervous system goes into fight or flight. When this happens, and the more harm we are doing ourselves and the more we are stressing out other people out around us. Slow it down. Imagine a parent shouting and screaming and stressing at a baby to eat its food. Imagine what that is doing to the baby’s nervous system. When a parent slows down and self-regulates, they teach the baby to regulate itself and that the world is safe. You too can do this for your colleagues and your team members. Slow it down, regulate your own pace and you will be doing incredible, wonderful things for your colleagues’ nervous systems. The biggest gift you can give is the gift of slowing it down. Nothing gets in the way of the pandemic of pretence more than slowing things down!

We hope you enjoy your six tips to go from burnout bluff and the pandemic of pretence, to being more of the real you and the real leader that actually has far more to offer is far more creative and much more inspirational than the pretend version of you. Have the courage and take the risk to close that gap, be real with yourself and real with others so you can really be the leader and the human being you know you can be.

For more information, please visit the workplace wellbeing page on our newly updated website – https://www.4dhumanbeing.com/training-programmes/4d-workplace-wellbeing/

Before you go…

Make sure to check out our most recent podcasts on integrating life and work – episodes include – Stay Well. Stay Creative, Creative Leadership interviews with 4 Theatre Directors, WellBeing with Jessie Pavelka, Fluid Living and Going Hybrid! Listen on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, just search ‘The 4D Human Being Podcast‘.

Time to take your foot off the gas

by 4dhumanAdmin | Feb 8, 2021 | 4D Confidence & Impact Training, 4D Energiser, 4D Workplace WellBeing

As my dear friend and 4D colleague Katie Churchman once reminded me – write from where you’re at. I think right now a lot of us are at a tired, depleted place. 2021 feels like it has got off to a sluggish start but instead of slamming our foot down hard on the accelerator in an attempt to push through, I am going to make the case for why this might just be the time to take your foot off the gas and how that could be a very good thing. Dare I say it – a positive thing!

It somehow feels like we are in suspended animation at the beginning of this year. Of course, this won’t be the same for everyone – the incredible NHS workers, and individuals I work with through Frontline19, certainly won’t feel like things are slow to get going this year.

A friend of mine said – this year so far feels like wading through treacle but maybe that’s okay. Maybe this is a chance to step off the hamster wheel, reassess the busy trap and listen to physical exhaustion as a message to do things differently.

Here are a few things to think about as we wade through treacle in the attempt to gear up and energise into 2021…

1. Energy

How much energy you have at any one time is key to understanding whether you can go into super productive mode or whether you need to be efficient with your energy usage. When you are depleted, you might need to be more ‘energy smart’ about where you choose to invest the power available to you.

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2. Effort vs Value

As Researchers from the University of London and ESCP Europe Business School found – over-working doesn’t necessarily pay off and can lead to dissatisfaction, less promotions and low recognition due to burn out and quality of work suffering. How can we work with less effort but with more valuable, noticeable and impressive results? Rather than slogging through a 60 hour week – stop and reflect on where is your energy placement going to be most valuable? Where and for whom can you create the most value?

3. Smart and Lazy

Bill Gates was supposedly quoted as saying “I always choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” In business these individuals would be your super stars – your progressives, your innovators and your real strategic thinkers. When you take a look at your growing To Do list…rather than ploughing through it, how can you place yourself in the superstar category of lazy/intelligent and find smart, innovative solutions that surprise and impress? How can you create high visible value rather than high invisible workload?

4. 80/20

Another way to think about this is Pareto’s 80/20 rule. In brief – Pareto studied a wide range of phenomena and discovered that most often 80% of output comes from only 20% of input. If you look at your input, what 20% of effort is actually producing 80% of your productivity and success? What 80% of your effort that is only producing the other 20% of your output – could you ditch?

5. The 4 hour week

By being more efficient with your energy, you have more time to really live in and enjoy the present moment. I make reference here to Tim Ferris’s book and philosophy – The 4-Hour Work Week. Tim is a strong advocate of ‘live now.’ He tells his readers not to be ‘deferrers’ and sacrifice their lives to the idea of retirement when they’re older. So – what if you were paid a super high hourly rate and a company only got four hours of your time? As you are being so well paid for that 4 hours…how would you give the business the maximum value of your talents and energy? How could you apply that to your normal working week?

6. Go with the flow

To go back to the treacle analogy – like in water – when we try to run through treacle, we get pushed back, feel blocked, and get stuck. However, when we take our time and glide through the liquid, it can feel effortless, in sync with our environment. Therefore, if the world is offering you a different energy field right now, maybe don’t fight it, rather work with it. Perhaps it’s time to stop identifying with the amount of ‘effort’ you make. That somehow prolonged effort and a 60-hour week is a badge of honour and makes you a worthwhile human being. Perhaps it’s time to take off that false badge of honour and start identifying as efficient, smart, creative, discerning, lazy and intelligent. Not the person who gets lost in three days of a grinding powerpoint build, but someone who is so creatively efficient they suddenly have a lot more hours in the day for themselves.

So, maybe it’s time to take your foot off the gas, enjoy the view and think about…what you are going to do with all that time …

4D can really help you take charge of your energy and well-being in all 4 Dimensions. Focussing in turn on your Physical, Emotional, Mental and Relational well-being and fitness – our impactful and practical 4D Energiser Program has just the right tools, insights, care, and fun to help you, your team and your organisation re-activate the well-being, creativity and energy that will make 2021 the game changing turnaround year you can all be proud of.

Treat your team to the 4D Energiser Program. Only ONE hour a week for ONE month – to ensure a super-charged and successful launch into the year ahead. Email us at philippa@4dhumanbeing.com to book your program now.

The Fresh Start Effect

by Matt Beresford | Feb 27, 2020 | 4D Confidence & Impact Training, 4D Energiser, 4D Leadership Development, 4D Workplace WellBeing

Why new beginnings bring new energy to life

In this article, 4D’s Matt Beresford is exploring the power of Fresh Starts. Why do beginnings have more energy, than ‘middles’ and ‘ends’? And how might we capture some of this fresh start energy, wherever we are in our careers or relationships? Fresh starts and fresh approaches can help us to see our lives in a whole new way. What might you discover, if you start something new, or step in, as if for the first time?

Join Matt as he begins again…

Spring has always had a special place in my heart. For many of us, the longer, warmer days that follow Winter bring a sense of anticipation for the seasons to come and a promise of sunshine, colour and harvest. I am also a keen gardener, so after the enforced rest of Winter, I always find myself keen to get back into the garden, planting and sowing for the year ahead.

Plants aside – my birthday is also on the 20th March, and often coincides with the first day of Spring. So there’s always a lot to celebrate! And this year there’s been an additional fresh start to celebrate as I finally took the leap from a career in the IT industry to a vocation working full time with the team at 4D Human Being. I am hugely excited about the harvest we will reap in the months and years ahead as we grow the business and continue to develop ourselves, our work and the impact we have on the lives of those we work with.

Of course, at forty-four, this is also a step I make with some trepidation!

The Second Mountain

Whilst I have been planning this career move for some time, I was fortunate to have the opportunity to make the ‘leap’ this year. As I may have only 21 further springs in my working life (!), I’d like each of them to be spent in pursuit of something that I deeply care about rather than a career which ‘pays the bills’.

David Brooks’ recent book ‘The Second Mountain’ concerns itself, amongst other things, with exactly this challenge:

“Some people get to the top of that first mountain, taste success, and find it … unsatisfying. “Is this all there is?” they wonder…At this point, people realise, Oh, that first mountain wasn’t my mountain after all. There’s another, bigger mountain out there that is actually my mountain. The second mountain is not the opposite of the first mountain. To climb it doesn’t mean rejecting the first mountain. It’s the journey after it. It’s the more generous and satisfying phase of life.”

This is where I had been for some time – enjoying the people aspects of my role in the IT industry more than anything else. Through my time managing Google for Tech Data, I found myself increasingly interested in finding ways to connect it to the people who would be impacted by the technology that I was promoting – the schools and businesses I believed would become better connected, more collaborative and more creative by using Google Chrome.

For Brooks, that’s a crucial way to tell whether you are looking to start climbing your Second Mountain. “Where is your ultimate appeal? To self, or to something outside of self?”

Many of us, of course, also have substantial responsibilities that we cannot simply drop to follow a dream – we have mortgages to pay and families to provide for. I certainly still want nice things, nice wine, holidays, trips to the theatre…

So, the Second Mountain could be a major change, the banker who is now a teacher, for example, but it needn’t be – for many of us it may be a shift in emphasis:

“Still others stay in their same jobs but are transformed. It’s not about self anymore. If they work in a company, they no longer see themselves as managers but as mentors; their energies are devoted to helping others get better. They want their organisations to be thick places, where people find purpose, and not thin places, where people come just to draw a salary. “

Transformation through Work

One of the challenges of making ‘big step changes’, like a change in career, is that it will inevitably change you as well. My new role will require a new routine and will see me primarily working from home and interacting with different people. And that will transform me too – perhaps quite dramatically.

“Never underestimate the power of the environment you work in to gradually transform who you are. When you choose to work at a certain company, you are turning yourself into the sort of person who works in that company. That’s great if the culture of McKinsey or General Mills satisfies your very soul. But if it doesn’t, there will be some little piece of yourself that will go unfed and get hungrier and hungrier.”

Martin Luther King, Jr., once advised that your work should have length—something you get better at over a lifetime. It should have breadth—it should touch many other people. And it should have height—it should put you in service to some ideal and satisfy the soul’s yearning for righteousness.

Your obvious is your talent

If you have been feeling this tug towards another path it’s worth asking, ‘What are your unique set of skills?’ For me, it was years of directing and performing in theatre, twenty years of business experience, a lot of energy, a love of learning and wide, eclectic interests. You will have a set of skills that might build into an offering that is perfectly unique to you.

Scott Adams in ‘How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big’ says: “Failure always brings something valuable with it. I don’t let it leave until I extract that value. I have a long history of profiting from failure. My cartooning career, for example, is a direct result of failing to succeed in the corporate environment.” Adams likes to make the point that whilst he wasn’t great at any one particular thing – drawing, comedy, middle management – by combining the three he could create Dilbert, one of the best known and best-loved cartoons of the last twenty years.

What is your portfolio of ‘failure’ from which you have learnt something? What set of skills, experiences and relationships are unique to you and that can help you identify the talents you might bring to your Second Mountain?

At 4D we like to say: “Your obvious is your talent” – a favourite saying of improvisation teacher Keith Johnstone. What seems to you to be the most simple and basic skill may be one that many others have to work very hard to emulate. This might be something as seemingly ‘obvious’ as powerful listening, being organised, or being able to host a dinner for customers. What do others value you for that you barely give a moment’s thought to and that, by doubling down on, might unlock new opportunities for you?

A System of Living

When making a fresh start it is tempting to set oneself lofty goals for what one wishes to achieve – the weight we will lose, the language we’ll learn or the money we’ll earn. The 4D2C model provides a great tool for thinking about communication, whether 1-1 or 1 to many, with a much broader lens than the one we normally bring. It can also be a way of thinking about one’s life and how to ‘be’ and ‘grow’ in all four dimensions. It provides a system of living, rather than a goal with an end destination.

Instead of setting ourselves goals and being in a constant state of what Scott Adams calls “a state of continuous pre-success failure at best, and permanent failure at worst’ we can use the 4D2C ‘system’ to provide a way of committing to a set of behaviours or attitudes that we believe will provide success in a given endeavour.

We cannot control what is out there in the world, however as Adams says:

“Systems people succeed every time they apply their systems, in the sense that they did what they intended to do. The system-versus-goals model can be applied to most human endeavours. In the world of dieting, losing twenty pounds is a goal, but eating right is a system”

The 4D2C model provides a useful way of checking on how I am choosing to grow and behave, within what environment and with what people. It encourages us to ask questions like: is this an environment and culture within which I can learn, grow and create the kind of impact I want to have on the world? And will it allow my 4-dimensional self to develop and find creative expression?

When to Start

If you’re thinking of making a fresh start in your life, in whatever field, Daniel Pink’s recent book, ‘When’ provides some great ideas for starts (as well as middles and ends!)

“The recipe is straightforward. In most endeavours, we should be awake to the power of beginnings and aim to make a strong start. If that fails, we can try to make a fresh start.” Pink also celebrates what he calls Temporal Landmarks for making those starts:

“The first day of the year is what social scientists call a “temporal landmark.” Just as human beings rely on landmarks to navigate space—“To get to my house, turn left at the Shell station”—we also use landmarks to navigate time.”

First days of the year, month and week are commonly used for these Fresh Starts. Other landmarks are personal – say for example landmark birthdays and anniversaries. These dates “allowed people to open “new mental accounts” in the same way that a business closes the books at the end of one fiscal year and opens a fresh ledger for the new year.”

Spring Beginnings

Whether it’s dedicating your working life to a different vocation, training for an Ironman or learning a new language, as George Eliot said, “It is never too late to be who you were meant to be”.

So, do join me in embracing a Fresh Start this Spring. Whether big or small, it’s the ideal time to find a landmark and make a change that will move you closer to being who you were meant to be. If that also involves growing your first vegetables, I am happy to provide advice!

The 4 things you really need this Christmas…

by Philippa Waller | Dec 16, 2019 | 4D Energiser, 4D Workplace WellBeing

How many presents get unwrapped on Christmas day? That nobody wants and nobody needs?

According to one study, Americans waste on average $15.2 billion on unwanted presents each year. I remember one Christmas competing with friends over ‘who got the worst present.’ There were some absolute shockers, but the outright winner had to be the man that was given a second-hand painting of a Hungarian Hussar! People really do hand over some weird gifts! So, it got me thinking: how much stuff do we get at Christmas that we don’t even want? When actually, we could give someone something they really need to unwrap without even given them a present. The invisible gifts of security, connection, wholeness and autonomy. Can we fulfil our own- or someone else’s’- primal human needs this Christmas?

We see Christmas as a unique time of craziness, when it’s often a reflection of our everyday lives, just in an exaggerated festive state, with baubles on! The festive season is a great time to become conscious of our behaviours and patterns and gives us the opportunity to acknowledge and connect with our fundamental needs. If you notice people getting annoyed on Christmas day, get curious, and find out which of their needs isn’t being met…

1. Security

‘Tis the season for financial anxiety as according to the 2019 Bankrate Holiday Gifting Survey more than 6 out of 10 people told Bankrate they feel pressure to overspend on either presents, travel, social outings or charitable donations over the Christmas period. If you notice yourself- or a loved one- feeling stressed about money, get curious. Find out what the root cause of this stress might be. Because it may be that your sense of security is feeling threatened.

Abraham Maslow lists security as one of the basic human needs. And if we don’t feel secure, we can’t fully ascend to higher levels like love and self-actualisation (more of which later).

Many of us reach for external signs of security- money, good job, marriage- which means that our ability to ascend to the higher levels of Maslow’s hierarchy relies heavily on external factors. However, some of us aren’t given sufficient resources to satisfy these external security needs. And even if, right at this moment, we are satisfying those needs, many unknowable factors can threaten this ‘security blanket’- like redundancy and illness. So sometimes or even often getting our security needs met by chasing it externally isn’t actually our most secure option.

Some of the century’s most influential and surprising entrepreneurs do the opposite: they define security internally. They give themselves what psychologist Carl Rogers called an internal locus of control and don’t rely on external factors for their sense of security. Take Tony Robbins. He started his career washing his dishes in a bathtub because his apartment was so small it didn’t have a kitchen. He didn’t define security as needing X amount in the bank or having a certain size house or job title. He defined his security internally- and as a result, he was able to shift his attention towards a much more useful state for entrepreneurial pursuits: self-actualisation. His sense of security wasn’t reliant on unstable external factors; it was defined internally. And as a result, he ended up becoming one of the most successful life coaches on the planet.

Here are two ways you can shift towards an internally driven sense of security:

1. Self appreciate.

If your internal voice is critical and harsh – be aware and be kind to yourself.

2. Give yourself a heart hug…

…and stop asking your brain what you need. Ask your heart. Put your hand on your heart and create a loop back to yourself. Once you’ve created that loop, still with your hand on your heart, ask yourself what you should do. Not only will this regulate your breathing, it will also create a feedback loop to brain that ‘you are ok’ and as consequence will strengthen your internal locus of control.

Defining security internally is a healthier and more sustainable way of fulfilling this need because it’s not reliant on external factors. Money is, of course, an important resource but far more important is time. We can rebuild our finances. But we can’t buy back time. And if we spend the majority of our time chasing external factors, then we won’t have any time left for other more meaningful pursuits. Defining security externally creates an illusion of security and breeds a cycle of insecurity. Whereas defining security internally puts you back in the driver’s seat of your life.

So back to Christmas…maybe you can’t afford the most expensive gifts this year or maybe there’s a worry about what work you’ll get in 2020. All fair and valid concerns not to be disregarded but also, not necessarily needed to define your sense of security. Can you- like Tony Robbins- take the locus of control over your security and define it internally? And give yourself the gift of internal security this Christmas. Whilst it won’t make these problems go away it will enable you to satisfy your need for security and free you up to be much more connected and conscious with your loved ones over the festive period.

Also- think about how can you make somebody else feel safe and secure? Can you be clear about your plans for the day? Can you make somebody feel that you’ve got a part of the day planned and organised and in hand? Because that’s one of the most fundamental and most important gifts you can give anybody. What does your partner or loved one need to make them feel secure and safe with you?

2. Connection

I’m sure you’ve all heard a version of this story: a wife- who is hoping for a diamond bracelet- receives a vacuum cleaner, an iron or electronic scale for Christmas (yes- this one is surprisingly common!) One study showed that 37% of us have lied about liking a gift- with women ranking as the highest offenders with a shocking 45% versus 27% of men. If you find yourself hiding disappointment with an exaggerated smile this Christmas, then watch out for need no.2 not being met: are you feeling unloved or disconnected?

Connection is a fundamental human need. We are absolutely wired for connection. Yet, we’re not always good at meeting this need. In an article for ‘Forge Medium’, Brianna Wiest describes connection as: “the experience of oneness. It’s having shared experiences, relatable feelings, or similar ideas.” So, when your nearest and dearest buys you a rubbish (and perhaps insulting) gift, you may- understandably- find yourself feeling misunderstood and disconnected.

Thankfully, connection doesn’t just come in a fancy present with a bow on top. This- as with external signs of security- is a ‘show’ of connection. The real stuff is underneath. In the day-to-day moments that help to build a strong sense of tribe and trust. In order to maintain a healthy sense of connection, we must regularly ‘check-in’ with one another. Now we’re not talking about a once a year DMC (deep meaningful conversation), we’re referring to those everyday moments where you are present with your partner, friend or kids. When you see them where they are and find out how they’re doing and how they’re feeling. Right now. To quote Brene Brown: “A deep sense of love and belonging is an irresistible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”

For example, if you know your partner struggles with some of your family’s nosey questions, a simple squeeze of the hand might be all it takes to reaffirm the connection between the two of you. A squeeze that says “I see you. I know how you’re feeling. We’ll get through this together.” The beauty of this is in its simplicity: it doesn’t involve buying an extravagant gift, writing a poem or going away on holiday. Your presence with your loved ones is what reaffirms the bonds of connection. So why not give the gift of connection this Christmas to your loved ones? It could be the simplest yet most substantial gift they get this year.

3. Wholeness

Do you return home at Christmas only to find yourself regressing into an outdated version of yourself? Perhaps you’ve made some radical changes over the past year and are feeling quite different in yourself, yet as soon as you walk through the front door of your childhood home…bam…you’re back to square one. If this sounds familiar, then you may be needing more of the 3rd primal human need we’re discussing today: wholeness. To quote Carl Jung: “Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.” Ask yourself if there are parts of your ‘self’ that are wanting to surface, yet you don’t feel you can share because it feels out of line with ‘who you are’ within your family unit?

Say for example you’ve taken up stand-up comedy over the past year yet until this point you’ve occupied a more quiet, reserved role in the family. Can you bring a part of this ‘new you’ to the table and perhaps open up a space for others to share too? Perhaps your Mum has been focusing on being more than just ‘mum’ since all her kids flew the nest and has been busy involving herself with new hobbies and volunteer work. Can you encourage a more inclusive and open atmosphere this Christmas, so that people can bring more of themselves- and not just the role assigned to them within the family system- to the table?

Wholeness isn’t simply about showcasing the highlights in your life (like you might on your Instagram feed!) It’s about embracing all parts of your ‘self’ and the highs and the lows that are a part of being a human being. Maybe someone in your family is grieving the loss of a loved one this Christmas? Or perhaps a friend has recently lost their job? Can you be present with their pain and allow them to bring some of their whole self- as they are right now- to the party. Show them that they don’t have to wear a massive fake smile across their face to feel accepted and welcome around you. As Reboot Co-founder Dan Putt writes in his article ‘Wholeness, not Happiness’: “Happiness is just one part of our existence, wholeness is to embrace all that is within us. It’s to embrace our shadow qualities, to embrace our self-doubt, fear, anxiety, as well as the brightness, joy, and curiosity. It is all welcome. To welcome and embrace our wholeness, is to welcome and embrace all that makes us human. It is to allow our employees, and ourselves the full human experience. It is to allow ourselves to be human at work.” So, this Christmas let’s host with an attitude of wholeness as opposed to one that pushes happiness.

4. Autonomy

The final thing we all need this Christmas is autonomy. Which may seem contradictory to primal need no. 2: connection. However, what we’re looking for is a balance between interdependence and autonomy. And the latter is far too often overlooked and disregarded, particularly when it comes to Christmas parties and family get-togethers.

You may be familiar with the power struggles that happen between parents and children or siblings, due to invisible hierarchies that might be in place. For example, the person who is ‘hosting’ may take it upon themselves to take charge of the event. Whilst this may be coming from a sincere place of kindness and generosity, it may be stopping others from having an opinion about the menu or helping cook a dish. And guess what…people like to feel useful!!! So you don’t need to slave away in the kitchen by yourself. Get your kids involved in some way (however young or old), give them responsibility for a task and refrain from ‘back seat driving’ while they are doing it (otherwise you may give off the impression that you could have done it better and faster yourself.) And even if that’s true, what’s happening here is much bigger than the task at hand because you’ve gifted someone with autonomous action. You’ve given them a sense of importance and purpose at the event. So, it doesn’t matter if the potatoes aren’t cut exactly the way you like them, because the people at your party are what matter. Not the potatoes. And by delegating responsibility you’ll not only take some of the stress off your shoulders, you’ll also be giving others a sense of ownership and autonomy.

A study on the importance of psychological autonomy in children concluded that “the preparation for a life in a competitive world of other individual self-contained agencies is primed through individual psychological autonomy with an early emphasis on subjective wishes, intentions and preferences.” Autonomy is not a millennial luxury: it’s a fundamental need and if it’s not being met for you this Christmas then it will be affecting your ability to access other parts of yourself like your creativity, conscious intention and personal growth. Wayne Dyer talks about the power of ‘non-interference’ in parenting. In this article, titled ‘The Enlightened Parent’ Dyer asks: “do you want your children to behave only when you’re around, or do you want them to have the self-discipline to conduct themselves wisely whether you’re there or not? I’ve always believed that parents are not for leaning upon, but rather exist to make leaning unnecessary”.

If you find yourself in the opposite role as per the scenario above, whereby you are the guest to an over-attentive host, then see if you can come up with a creative way to give yourself more autonomy. If the host is insistent on controlling every detail in the kitchen then maybe you can keep the kids entertained so they don’t get in the way. Or perhaps you can take charge of setting up a game and explaining the rules to everyone. There will be many ways you can insert yourself into the day without stepping on someone’s shoes. To quote author and speaker Daniel Pink (who appeared on the 4D podcast back in May): “Autonomy is different from independence. It means acting with choice.”

Give someone something they really need this Christmas!

This Christmas, as you are sitting around opening gifts, think about the invisible gifts you can give to a family member, friend or colleague. It might not be something they’ve asked for but it’s definitely something they need. Because they are needs we ALL need! We all want to feel safe, connected, whole and purposeful and we need these needs satisfied in order to access our higher levels of self, like empathy, creativity, conscious intention even to be able to play and be spontaneous. Give yourself- and others- the gift of security, connection, wholeness and autonomy this Christmas and you’ll quickly forget about any rather pointless, weird or disappointing gifts. These gifts are greater than the external signs of Christmas and are the ones that will really make a difference this Christmas and throughout the New Year.

Wishing you all a conscious and connected Christmas and an intentional New Year. Lots of love Philippa and the 4D Team x

From Burnt Out to Fired Up

by Philippa Waller | Oct 17, 2019 | 4D Energiser, 4D Workplace WellBeing

Are you headed for burnout? New studies show that chronic workplace stress may be a major cause of burnout.

Earlier this year I was speaking at a conference in the US. All went brilliantly. The talk was interactive, engaging and thought-provoking. The attendance was fantastic. The atmosphere fun, warm and friendly. The praise and thanks afterwards effusive. An all-out success. Two hours later, back in my hotel, I realised I was running on empty. I finally had to accept something was up. I was burnt out. Still functioning, still able to perform at a high level, still appearing to everyone else to be fine. But burnout sneaks up from below or from the side. And it often hits those of us who pride ourselves on having endless energy and stamina. Which makes it hard to accept that our eternal flame might just be flickering to burnout. So, I decided to take a step back, catch my breath, and hand the poll position in the company to my sister Penelope. A hard decision. And the best decision. I hadn’t stopped since the death of my partner Tom in 2016. And it was time to recharge. Why am I writing this? Because when I told my clients I would be taking some time out I think I expected them to be a bit thrown and a bit disappointed and frankly abandoned. But in fact, they were not only supportive but many of them said to me I was modelling something that perhaps they too should think about doing. And they were right. I have coached a number of execs over the years who have pushed themselves to their limits to perform to their maximum. We’re all at it! And perhaps my move to take time out could do more than simply look after myself. Perhaps it could help others do the same for themselves.

Six months on I’m gearing back into work. Keynotes and conferences lined up in the diary, new programmes and pilots rolling out and all of it feeling exciting and welcome. And I’m feeling renewed, re-energised and bursting with creativity and new ideas. Oh and there’s nothing like a mini-sabbatical to give one time to toe-dip into dating again….but that’s another story! Back to burnout and what the hell it’s all about…

An “occupational phenomenon”

The World Health Organisation recently defined burnout as an “occupational phenomenon” caused by “chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed.” So, this month we’re reigniting the conversation around burnout and attuning ourselves to its early warning signs. How can we become aware of the often-silent signs and signals of this invisible syndrome? And how can we better manage our workload, so that it doesn’t end up managing us? This isn’t just about getting back in the driver’s seat of your life. It’s about understanding the mechanics underneath so that we can live and work at our optimum. Because knowing when to hit the brakes- and when to take a break- is key to building a satisfying and successful career.

What is burnout?

Burnout was first described in 1974 by German-born American psychologist Herbert Freudenberger. Freudenberger described burnout syndrome as “becoming exhausted by making excessive demands on energy, strength, or resources in the workplace.”

Almost 45 years on since Freudenberger coined the term and research suggests that 23% of us are feeling burnt out at work very often or always, while another 44% are feeling burnt out at work sometimes. Given that almost 50% of us will struggle with burnout at least once in our career, why are we not taking it more seriously?

The early warning signs

According to Freudenberger’s original description, burnout is characterised by a mixture of physical symptoms and behavioural signs. Physical symptoms can show up as fatigue, shortness of breath, digestive issues and insomnia while behavioural signs may include frustration, anger, a suspicious attitude, cynicism and depression. Burnout’s long list of warning signs can explain why it is so difficult to spot because it can look very different from person-to-person. For example, for some people, it may come on more suddenly, in the form of a physical collapse or emotional breakdown. Whereas for others, it may build up over an extended period, showing up as long-term agitation, anxiety and an inability to cope.

Freudenberger went beyond simply describing the symptoms of the syndrome; he also described the personality traits that predispose someone to burnout and. He believed it was primarily “the dedicated and the committed” who are most likely to burnout. Or as a recent FT article phrased these individuals “insecure over-achievers.”

Thanks to the dawn of the smartphone, the geographical boundaries between work and home no longer apply, giving us remote access to our workload 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And if you have a smartwatch then you may also be able to catch a glimpse of your work emails while you’re taking a class at the gym. On the one hand – literally in the case of the smartwatch! – this is amazing because these technological advancements- amongst other benefits- have enabled companies to offer employees more autonomy over their workload.

However, on the other hand, I wonder whether this non-stop, 24/7 culture makes the “dedicated and committed” workers described by Freudenberger more vulnerable than ever. Is this bigger, faster, stronger, harder mindset causing us to miss the early warning signs of burnout?

Normalising Stress

It’s become very easy for us to normalise feelings of stress and overwhelm. In fact, for many of us, it’s become a part of the daily narrative we share with our colleagues and friends. Perhaps you are someone who typically tells the “I’m so busy and stressed” story? And perhaps you are very busy and stressed. But do you ever stop to ask yourself why ‘busy and stressed’ has become a normal and culturally accepted part of life?

Five monkeys, a ladder, and a banana

In the influential ‘five monkeys’ experiment, a group of scientists placed 5 monkeys in a cage and in the middle, a ladder with bananas on the top. Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, every time a monkey went up the ladder, the others beat up the one on the ladder to avoid getting soaked. The scientists then decided to substitute one of the monkeys. Upon entering the cage, the new monkey immediately went up the ladder. Immediately the other monkeys beat him up. After several beatings, the new member learned not to climb the ladder even though he never knew why. After a while, a second monkey was substituted, and the same thing occurred. And the first monkey participated on beating up the second monkey, even though he’d never been sprayed with water. The same occurred when a third, fourth and fifth monkey was replaced. What was left was a group of 5 monkeys who- even though they had never been sprayed with water- continued to beat up any monkey who attempted to climb the ladder.

This is a great example of the way culture is created and why it perpetuates, even when it no longer makes sense. The experiment speaks to the phrase “that’s just how things are done around here.” When we get stuck in this fixed mindset, we lose sight of reasoning, stop questioning why things are the way they are and stop trying to change it.

In many work cultures the early warning signs of burnout- stress, fatigue, overwhelm and overwork- have become a part of the ‘that’s just what it’s like around here’ culture. We’ve normalised these important warning signs and as a result, we might be missing the early buildup of burnout. But we can’t spend our whole life living in the fast lane, always operating from a state of stress. Our bodies simply can’t handle being in ‘fight or flight’ mode for that long. And over time, if we don’t listen to the signals the body is sending us, the body burns out. This is its way of forcing us to finally listen to the signals we’ve been ignoring all along.

What we need to do about it?

As Heinemann & Heinemann point out in their 2017 research article: ‘Burnout Research: Emergence and Scientific Investigation of a Contested Diagnosis’

Freudenberger not only coined the term burnout, he also suggested preventive measures. “Because he believed that burnout is particularly linked to specific working environments and organisational contexts, he proposed intervening at an organisational rather than just an individual level. His recommendations included shorter working hours, regular job rotation, and frequent supervision and staff training.”

Freudenberger was certainly ahead of the curve. He recognised that burnout syndrome was much bigger than the individual it affects but a symptom of the culture he or she is working within. Which is why his advice for beating burnout is still very appropriate for employers and employees in the 21st century. We need to look- not only for the signs and signals of burnout in both ourselves and our colleagues- but also for the culture within which it perpetuates. Question yourself and others if you notice someone normalising stress. Create a dialogue about workload overwhelm. And start a conversation where it is okay not to be okay.

Model this value shift for your colleagues and you will help others to own where they are, get help when they need it and find a balance in life.

From Burnt Out to Fired Up

We urge you to go away and open up a dialogue around burnout in your workplace. If you think you’re too busy all the time, then maybe you are also too busy to be properly listening to the signs of burnout in your own life and noticing them in your colleagues and loved ones. To create space, start a conversation and step into a more self-compassionate way of relating to your workplace stress.

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